Parents, coaches, teachers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and anyone else that might be shaping young minds out there, I have one question:
Are you helping to raise a little INTJ female? There are some signs that you might be. If so – here’s some helpful information from those of us that grew up as such and hit roadblocks for just being who we are. Sure, I have my own experiences, but tapped the Facebook group to get some really amazing feedback about what many of them would have liked things to be like growing up.
When I was a kid there was the word “tomboy” which generally meant a girl who acted by all intents and purposes like society saw a boy. Maybe she liked sports, was active, played in the dirt, and preferred matchbox and Tonka and erector sets over tea sets and princess-y things. I’m not saying every girl who does this is INTJ by any means, and today we don’t see girls as less than based on anything they do or don’t take interest in, but there are some traits of early INTJ females that might surface in this context.
Clothing is one such example. She may not want to wear dresses, or things that may be considered extremely girly. Don’t force her to do so – allow her to develop her own sense of fashion if it’s not harming anyone or breaking any major rules. By the same token she may want to live her life in girly things every minute, and that’s awesome too. INTJ females are generally more appreciative of compliments about what they can control, what they have actually done (like write a paper for school) than what they can’t control and have nothing to do with (how they look).
Does she ask you a lot of questions? Do they seem to require really detailed answers? INTJ females are VERY VERY curious about how the world around them works, and as soon as they can, they will start trying to gather and process data. Until they can read and get access to books and internet information – you may be the source they tap for their data. If she is this type, and she drives you insane with constant questions about every little detail, this could be an indicator. Either learn about it with her, because you might enjoy the process too or get out of the way and plug her into a good solid source of information or two so she can just absorb her data and learn about everything like the little sponge she is.
Added: it’s always a fantastic lesson to teach that all things she learns in life deserve research to validate and as much of a full understanding of it as she can piece together. Support her need to and/or teach her to think for herself, not go along with what someone told her. Let her take that information and heavily research it to form her own opinion of it (whether the outcome is to agree, disagree or somewhere in between). Let her know it’s OK to have a different opinion about things than those around her (both immediate family/friends and others) so long as she is logical and clear (at least to herself) about why.
If in any way she’s in fact INTJ and she’s held back from learning at the pace she wants to, she’ll become bored and generally that will cause her to act out to fill the void. So fill her time now with tons of cool information…sure keep it age appropriate, but provide that outlet.
Also, INTJ females quickly become little Webster dictionaries, so don’t get upset with her if she corrects the way you say something, spell something, or the validity of your statement. Kudos to her for her early analytical skills. Acknowledge her for being so observant and make it something you can both discuss together. Also, listen to, entertain and respect her ideas and feelings, and don’t give her a hard time for voicing her opinion or trying to get you to pay attention to her – she likely has some pretty valid information to share. Don’t ever dumb her down for any reason to make others (including yourself, if that’s what’s going on) feel better. A library card will be one of her favorite things to carry.
After a lot of activity, especially around lots of people, does she become tired, cranky, irritated? Does she retreat from interaction, even by once in a while just not speaking? This may signal INTJ female and it’s the introvert in her working to protect her from external stress. She may become overstimulated in social environments. If you can definitely connect her irritability to her interactions with lots of people or certain people after a long period of time, she’s not being difficult, her mind is shutting down to recharge. If you are tempted to tell her to suck it up and learn to socialize, you could be pushing extrovert behavior on her, which isn’t something she finds pleasant though others might. Suggested: allow her to interact at her pace or distance. Do not force her to socialize more than she’s ready to or she’s in the mood for. Understand and respect her need to withdraw and recharge when she signals that it’s what she wants. Naturally they prefer a lot of alone time – allow them to have it, and don’t make it about you. It was mentioned that unstructured time was also a good thing to have as a kid.
A side note, which in my opinion is standard for any child – not asking they show physical affection to relatives and friends overall is a good rule to go by. Asking a young child to kiss, hug, hold hands with or sit on the lap of anyone is strongly discouraged anyway, but with an INTJ child it’s really undesirable. Just, no.
Further, it was mentioned in our group chat by a couple of women that they were asked to kiss or touch a body at a wake. C’mon now, people.
Does she ask for the real reason for things other kids accept easily, like Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the stork or the Easter Bunny? Does she seem to challenge typical tradition? Did this start young? She might just be INTJ. Not all kids’ lives are ruined by the truth – some may benefit from it. Perhaps in her case, rather than tell her she’s wrong by questioning the tradition, tell her the truth if she refuses to buy the usual stuff and give her the history tradition, then ask her to help you keep the tradition alive for other kids. She’ll maybe even appreciate being privy to the secret – and even an asset to you on those days.
Does she appear to be negative? Does she shoot down any forced optimism? She might be INTJ. We tend to challenge happiness as a social requirement, and many are taken as negative, who are usually just realists. We don’t like to tell people things that aren’t true just to make them feel better. We don’t want to do cartwheels to make others feel better or entertain them if it’s not something we want to do. If she is INTJ and doesn’t want to be all smiles and sunshine all the time – try not to make her feel like she’s doing something wrong by not being perpetually happy.
If she prefers to tackle things in a gradual manner such as something extra curricular or that involves a lot of extrovert behavior, don’t push her – allow her to assess and turn things over in her head to run her scenarios and determine whether she wants to do said thing and the possible outcome. Pushing an INTJ female into the spotlight before she’s ready is pretty disastrous, so don’t do it. Also, sending her into a social environment with a bunch of children she doesn’t know can be really nerve wracking for her – and she’ll probably make that clear in at least one way if faced with it.
Even if she wants to start her day peacefully and gradually, let her if she’s got time. There’s nothing wrong with that, within reason – obviously she needs to learn to keep a schedule, but if she’s truly an INTJ she may not often be late to school or her preferred activities anyway. Turning lights on, pulling covers off, opening window shades can be pretty stressful.
With an INTJ female, don’t try to squelch emotional moments, before she’s learned how to temper her reactions. Try and use them as learning situations to better navigate her feelings and develop higher EQ. Obviously if she’s destroying property and waking up the neighbors, that’s a bit much.
If she is never happy with her accomplishments and expects to master everything she tries the first time, it’s very likely she’s a budding INTJ. To teach her that failure is part of success and the only way to be good at a lot of things is to suck at them first is a really productive response. Many of us get in our own way because we hate to fail so much it sometimes causes us not to try at all.
If she has trouble with following orders because they were given without a reason why, you may just have a young INTJ female in your midst. “Because I said so” is not a productive phrase for this type, and it can bring about rebellion if there’s no resolution to the equation that was given. While you may just want her to do what you ask because you asked – realize her brain isn’t wired that way, and explaining why will make a world of difference (although it may bring about discussion if she needs further information or has trouble processing what you are explaining).
It’s been mentioned that guilt trips, religious or otherwise are really not productive. Planned humiliation isn’t a good way to go either. Comparing her to outgoing/social children teaches her that she is wrong as a person, and it’s a good idea not to do that in the name of later self esteem issues. Check in with her to see that she’s being socially authentic. Is she doing things with groups of kids because she’s trying to fit in, or because she actually wants to? Discuss this with her. Talk to her about life like you’re both watching a movie.
Some things to do:
Do allow her to just be her, or just “be”, period. Do encourage her to do things that she takes interest in at her pace. Be supportive of her choices and the things she shares with you that are bouncing around in her mind. Some of my favorite memories are of that one on one parent time when you’re a kid where you discover things together in books, or watching educational programming and then participating in discussion about what you watched, or those long discussions you have about your day in school and what you learned. Do ask her how she feels or what her opinion is about current events and what’s going on around her.
The below suggested quote applies:
“It’s easier to build strong children than repair broken men.” ~ Frederick Douglass
Rare INTJ Females: We Welcome You! 