In a recent discussion or two, we have been navigating our forms of communication. It seems that with the general public, in just about any environment or relationship we INTJs (and introverts in general) seem to set people off or create some form of extreme reaction in what is – to us – a seemingly normal exchange.
Overall, it seems to some our type has some traits that are adjacent to being on the spectrum (in no way am I saying we are on the spectrum at all and I’m not making light of it, however we seem to share some of the same roadblocks). How we answer questions, and what questions we ask can seem to derail communication.
First of all, it’s already been established in this blog before – with us there will be a great possibility that at the core we are interacting with someone to begin with to gather or give information/data. Which simply means that we are looking to learn something from you, or give you information we feel you are seeking – which is standard for most of us. The majority, however, tends to interact with the goal of bonding or connecting with fellow human beings. A lot of times we are literal and direct without a lot of flowery extra conversation. We want to know everything about what we’re being told so we can come to a better conclusion. We may also ask questions to get more detail while listening.
I have been told that it’s annoying to talk to me because I, at times, answer questions with questions. Apparently, there are people who do this to be evasive. OK, that’s fair – but not all who do this are trying to accomplish that goal. In my case I’m usually trying to better understand the question asked, or I simply feel I don’t have enough information to really give a proper answer. Also, answering the exact question asked can be a landmine if the person asking it is trying to go about finding something out indirectly. There was a post in the group once about people who ask someone what they are doing with a possible intention of wanting to be included or spend time with the person they are asking. Most will see this as an invitation, and even if busy will say “nothing, how about you?” and expect there will be plans made. Introverts will flat out explain what they are actually doing, since that’s what was asked. Several people in the group were slapping themselves in the forehead and saying “really? That’s what the question means?” It wasn’t even something they considered.
For the most part, I tend to prefer people who ask exactly what they want to know – but overall society is programmed to be passive aggressive, indirect and non-confrontational, so I frequently end up in a weird conversation with someone who is frustrated. I don’t go in the direction they are used to when trying to “feel me out”, which once I’m aware of I tend to want to avoid, because I’m by nature pretty direct with my intentions and not deceptive nor do I find it useful to be such. So basically, I answer the question literally asked, and the person gets frustrated that they can’t get the info they *really* wanted, and there’s a disconnect.
It’s definitely a contributing factor to why I would prefer to just skip conversation altogether. I’m not a fan of surprises, and when people misunderstand me, they tend to do it suddenly and with a lot of animation. To say I’m caught off guard would be an understatement. So, I tend to keep it short and sweet if I engage at all with the general public, which of course I think creates a reverse psychology dynamic where people are already defensive around me due to this silence and lack of participation. I have learned to ask the same question I get, because I am convinced that most people only reach out hoping to be reached out to – and so if someone asks me how I’m doing it’s because they want to be asked how they are doing, or want to talk about themselves – which is fine with me if I’m not in a hurry – the more you talk about you, the less I have to talk about me and that’s perfectly fine.
So with this question for a question thing…this goes wrong with me because I am so literal, and will answer specifically what was asked. If it seems vague, I’ll request more details about what someone is asking of me (that in itself can throw a conversation way off track – as just “what is it you’re getting at?” alone seems confrontational to them for some reason, when I’m genuinely trying to assess what they’re asking because I don’t follow). I also don’t normally elaborate beyond what was asked due to a combination of not wanting to be verbose/burdensome and having a fairly private personality. Example of this:
“So, did you do anything fun this weekend?” Most would answer with “no” and a story about that, or “yes” and a recap of what they did. I tend to answer just the question. “Yes/No.” and that’s it. I may add more if asked, but being literal, I will “give the data requested”. Again, I feel I am seen as difficult, or evasive to them because of this, but to me it’s a matter of keeping it concise. It’s also not something I consciously think about.
Will general society take this into account when talking to introverts? Highly unlikely. Usually it’s us who has to try and talk their language to get along in common spaces, and this case won’t be any different. When talking to a fellow thinking introvert, there’s almost no misunderstanding in conversation. No one is asking what the other one means, no one is taking something the wrong way. Occasionally one will say to the other “hey I hope you didn’t think XYZ when I said this”, and the other will say “I know what you meant, and if I wasn’t sure I would have said something”, and everyone moves on.
With non-introverts, at any time, there could be an inference to something you say and suddenly someone is offended and asking what you meant by your response, and when you tell them you have no idea what caused that reaction – you’re typically told you know exactly what it was, and they accuse you of playing stupid. I’m sure that’s related to their emotional state or pride or ego and that fear of someone trying to scam or hurt them. We seem to bring this out of emotionally driven people, due to our complete calm and rational presence.
I really believe that when we don’t mirror anxious people we can cause them to become more anxious. My way to win with my narcissistic mother during episodes was to remain calm and not rise to her level of hysteria. I would lose ground when I yelled back, or got defensive, or angry, or upset. I would sit and either calmly respond, or just wait until she lost some steam and could attempt to just have a normal conversation. It wasn’t hard to do this, as it’s in my nature to avoid or dismiss irrational interactions. They just don’t make sense to me. It would often infuriate my mother when I didn’t argue with her at her level. I suppose she found it condescending and she wasn’t able to get above me with this dynamic.
In text, this can be worse, as it’s easier to seriously project insecurities onto the conversation as it’s missing inflection and gestures and facial expressions. So conversations can derail quickly with people you don’t know well, and they can be unrecoverable. If you know someone a bit, it’s fixable and of course those who know you well and are close with you can adjust to it or know you well enough not to read into anything.
How can we make this type of interaction a smoother experience? Here’s all I can think of to get closer to a solution.
Hopefully, those who are more feeling based and extroverted will read and remember this and actively apply it to your future interactions. If someone isn’t responding to you in the way you were hoping for in conversation, perhaps you look at your intent to see if there’s an underlying question you want answered that isn’t being asked out loud. Is it possible the person you’re asking just isn’t aware of what you’re wanting to know?
If you’re an introverted type and things suddenly go off track while you’re talking to someone, perhaps look at the question again. Try and see what they might have been wanting from you outside the actual information they presented (and yes, I get it. It’s hard to do). Then, see if there’s a way you can ask for that intent from them, of course, that doesn’t accidentally trigger a confrontation, or a breakdown of some sort by expressing to them that you want to understand and give them the answer they are seeking.
I’m open to suggestions. What is your experience with this? If you have learned to apply a useful strategy as either the misunderstood person or the person who’s been frustrated with someone you’ve interacted with, what was it?
Rare INTJ Females: We Welcome You! 