INTJ Motherhood: Strengths and Struggles

By Liz Showers

INTJ women are, as a rule, accustomed to being very independent and not really “fitting in” with others. I think this may feel a bit more isolating when that woman becomes a mother and believes that there will be some sort of camaraderie among other moms, only to discover that she doesn’t think or respond in the way other parents do. Here are a few observations about INTJ moms.

Struggles:

We do not find it easy in the younger years constantly being touched and the noises that never seem to stop. There is not much in pre-child life that will prepare a parent for the never ending sensory input. Case in point, as I’m writing this there is Ninjago playing in the living room beside me and a one person dance party happening in the kitchen on the other side of me. Remind me again why I like the openness of this house (joking… sort of). I use headphones a lot as a way of controlling the auditory sensory input. I taught my children early on that sometimes I need space, sometimes they need space, that is OK. If we don’t want to be touched, that is OK, just let the other person know and they will respect that.

We struggle with the lack of alone time to recharge. Especially when the children are very little, they need parents close and we want to meet their needs. We love them with every part of our being, so we often forget to take care of our own needs to mentally rest alone. It can be so hard, almost to the point of feeling impossible to ask someone to help or admit that we need the occasional break. Some solutions for lack of alone time are: staying up a while when they go to bed, getting up before they rise, asking a spouse or someone you trust to watch them while you take some time, or when they are old enough, having one hour of “quiet time” every day.

We do not love the times when we are forced to interact with other parents so that our child can be involved in something that interests them. It can feel pointless and exhausting to hear one more birth story, potty training, making baby food, breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, meal planning, or whatever the topic; especially since we have probably already researched every possible angle of the topic, made our own decision and proceeded accordingly without ever once feeling the need to drone on about it endlessly with some random parent we will likely never see again. Many times we are the moms sitting off to the side with headphones on, making lists or reading a book, waving to our children intermittently and avoiding eye contact with other parents so as to avoid the forced, polite interactions. If we are not careful, our personal disinterest in large social groups may limit our children’s opportunities.

Emotions can be especially difficult for INTJ moms; our emotions and the emotions of our children. Those emotions during pregnancy and postpartum can be so foreign and difficult to work through. The wide range and intense emotions of our children from infancy to adulthood can sometimes feel overwhelming. Luckily for our families, we are also intense researchers. If we don’t understand it, we figure it out. There are so many amazing books and resources available to help us understand what is going on in our bodies and in the development of our children so we know how to best respond to the situations. We may not be “feelers” in the MBTI sense, but our feelings for our children run very deep. We may not show our affection as naturally physically as other types but we are fiercely protective of our families. Our love is shown in our every affirmation, in our consistency and dependability, and our mental attention we put into ensuring our children grow into the best people they were meant to be.

Strengths:

We INTJ moms have the ability to prioritize our children’s needs above social expectations. We love helping them explore their interests, ideas, goals and dreams without judgement. We love to deep dive into new concepts so we understand when our kids want to go all in with something new. We know what it was like not being understood by most other people, others trying to force us to think or act in “normal” ways; so we give more room for our own children to just be themselves and grow in ways that are more natural to them. Each kid is such a cool little human in their own right if we just give them chances to be who they are meant to be and not who we think they should be.

We foster independence and self sufficiency perhaps more than some other MBTI types. While most people get excited about other milestones like: first tooth, rolled over, first word, first day of school, we have other milestones that we are more excited about such as: can get themselves ready for school unprompted, can make a few staple meals safely on their own, stands up for what is right even when it’s unpopular, and doing their own laundry. We want to ensure that they don’t need to depend on others but can perform basic life skills proficiently.

We don’t tend to hover or do we prevent them from experiencing life. We trust our children to learn through experiences, daily life and making mistakes. We frequently fall into the “letting natural consequences teach” category. For example, if our kids don’t want to wear a coat, instead of fighting about it every day in the winter, just allow them to go without it once; let them be cold that day and they will want it next time.

There are no limits to our growth as parents because we are not necessarily bound to traditions or repeating what we have experienced or seen in others. We are able to grow beyond previous generations modeling of parental skills. We are open to learning and growing as a parent without the baggage of fear of failure. We are more likely to research and learn as we grow to ensure we make the best choices along the way.

We may not be the average parent, but we are loving, understanding, passionate, well informed, involved, fun, in our own weird way, parents. Other parents may not understand our ways, we may not have tons of mom friends, but our kids never doubt for a moment that we love them and have their best interests always in the front of our minds.