Our group has been going now for over 4 years, which is really hard to believe when I think about it. We have discussed just about everything under the sun at least once. Some subjects come up repeatedly, and I think tend to be both of interest to us and almost constitute part of our “theme”.
One of the most popular for us is “get” others and have them “get” us. We totally groove on having others similar to ourselves to bounce ideas, conversation, and information off of, but we mostly enjoy being understood. While some in every group prefer only to relate to their own, being that we enjoy a robust understanding of ourselves, people around us and the environments we inhabit and move through – we tend to enjoy the complexities of what the world has to offer. As such, we are always trying to at least understand why others do what they do, why we do what we do (in fact we are the first experiment we study, master, and strive to improve), nature does what it does, the universe unfolds as it does and on and on. When we stop and think about what we are taking in around us, we sometimes yearn for and wish others had that same genuine and often bottomless interest in understanding not only their environments as well, but if they are trying to connect – what motivates us, how we are wired, and many times it’s pretty rare to find this. It does seem sort of one sided, and whether or not it is that way is probably going to vary depending on which one of us you ask.
Many times we are told we’re being difficult or we’re asked to change who we are to adapt instead of being appreciated for who we actually are. Maybe we give in and do just that for a while, and realize we’d rather be who we are and forego connections when forced to choose. Some of us have a small circle of people who we have connected with over the years and they learned about us as individuals and support us – and that’s amazing. So many of us don’t though – and that’s because who we are and where we dwell doesn’t allow for a lot of connection.
This blog post is dedicated to the things that will actually work if/when you ever actually wish to seek one out, or you somehow find an INTJ female and need to know what genuine efforts you can make to connect with her. I say “genuine” because there is no other way to connect with an INTJ female as she is very comfortable with her own path, enjoys her space and will take her sweet time to see whether those around her match their words and actions. If you are not genuine and you’re looking for a set of instructions you don’t really need to put your heart into, I’ll tell you to move on now.
There are some preliminary things to know with the type overall….we like people who are just honest about their awkwardness, are honest and direct, don’t throw a lot of small talk at us, who can engage our intellect, who are pragmatic, who are not attention seekers and don’t assume we are, who aren’t going through the motions, who don’t engage in gossip, aren’t insecure, who have some type of ambition, and aren’t trying to force anything, really. We are big on time, and feel that anything worth it is worth the time it takes for a bond to grow. We are slow to warm up, but we’re solid once we do. We enjoy our solitude from other humans, and it’s not ever personal.
“We scratch our heads when we put the manual in front of you, open it to the right page and highlight the sentences you need to look at – and you still manage to miss the clues.”
Let’s start with dating, as this blog entry was written close to February 14th. There’s a more in depth previous blog entry on this, and I’d imagine that it would be a given to say that the usual textbook stuff doesn’t work with us, but there are still prospects that do this. I can’t tell if it’s just a really ingrained habit, or a failure to adjust to the situation, or a denial of sorts – but nevertheless, if you think you know what will work, or you learned your techniques in a series of chick flicks, or there’s some guaranteed thing you have done to get the attention of a couple of your exes that worked and you want to lean on it in this case – I implore you to rethink this. Honestly we are so simple to date once we’re interested in you. Do nothing, and first get to know her. Learn what she likes. She is probably throwing some pretty direct information at you also, so turn up your radar.
We once had a member tell us that every year her husband would get her chocolate for Valentine’s Day – despite her telling him over and over that she didn’t like chocolate, at all. I can’t imagine why someone would do this, but basically – please, don’t be that obtuse. Take an inventory of her hobbies, and music, and *listen* to what she tells you she wants. Honestly most of us do this, and it doesn’t always sink in. We scratch our heads when we put the manual in front of you, open it to the right page and highlight the sentences you need to look at – and you still manage to miss the clues. Worse comes to worse – stay away from gifts without explicit information on what she wants, and instead go for acts of service. Find something on her to do list that you can take off her hands and do well, or make life easier for her in some way. A majority of us really do love that. Things that stick out for me as really romantic over the years? A guy who cleaned off my car in the morning after it snowed all night. Someone who went around the house and brought dishes and glasses to my sink (hey, it worked). A guy who brought me coffee in the morning when I got up made just the way I like it, because he knew it was a big deal for me.
Try to understand she’s independent though, and not hugely emotional. This means she may take care of a lot of things on her own and tell you later. She may not be the jealous or dramatic type. She’s likely fairly intelligent and funny to be around. If you are in any way insecure and stuff like this will bother you – get right with yourself before you go any further. We are not ego stroke types by nature and we’re going to step on some stuff inadvertently. If you need a lot of reassurance, and a constant reminder that we’re still interested, that’s going to be a problem. As far as we’re concerned if we’re there and you’re interacting with us, we’re obviously interested, because we don’t know how to humor people, especially when we’re not at work. Also, we tend to take our time and assess a lot of things thoroughly when we’re creating a bond. Our timeline is almost certainly going to be longer than yours is. If you force or try to rush us or tell us we’re supposed to feel a certain way because of the nature of the relationship, especially early on – that won’t go well. We will do certain things only once we’re attached and know you a decent amount of time. That will be when it is, and not a minute before. This also goes for affection, and any type of emotional speak or affirmation we may need to provide.
“We are very protective of our close friends and will do almost anything for them, and just like in relationships, we don’t operate based on any definition of friendship, or on an imposed scorecard, but more out of our interest in you as someone we’ve grown to care about.”
Let’s examine friendship. In order to be friends with us, of course we have to have a mutual understanding. In our case, that understanding is more based around appreciation, rather than obligation. We are very protective of our close friends and will do almost anything for them, and just like in relationships, we don’t operate based on any definition of friendship, or on an imposed scorecard, but more out of our interest in you as someone we’ve grown to care about. In fact, we tend to do more for those who don’t ask, or who we see try to handle it themselves. Maybe that reminds us of ourselves. That takes time, and it’s an “until” situation. I have good friends that I’d do anything for – and it’s only because I have known them forever, and care about them – period. Sure, some of them have been there for me in the worst of times, without me asking (because I don’t ask) and that added in a new level of respect, but that’s not why I’d do it. I’d do it simply because we are close and because I want to.
Also, if you are having a hard time with something – realize that our way of helping and caring is to solve your problem. That sympathetic acknowledgement from us that we understand you’re upset and all that is generally lost in our rush to try and give you practical steps to eliminate the thing that hurt you, along with our questions about the technical details of what happened can seem….insensitive, but trust me, it’s a sign we really care and are engaged in what you’re telling us. Also, we are honest to a fault and it’s possible we may tell you how you may have been partly responsible if we see that as part of the problem. A good thing to do if you want to vent and get commiseration is to let us know you want that in advance. We’ll switch gears. In contrast, when we come to you with frustration about something – it’s a pretty safe bet that we have worked out all our options and now want outside input, or we’ve gone over it all and you are an expert in some way about details we aren’t privy to. We almost never want sympathy or to vent, as to us it’s not going to solve anything – and for us it’s all about solving, not feeling it. If the issue is big and menacing enough we may launch into 5 minutes of “why me’, but we don’t stay there long. We are at our best when we’re organizing a strategy.
Understand that sometimes we need our space and we’ll go a long time without joining you out and about. Know that if we did show, we’d likely not be very good company. Same with keeping in touch. Sometimes we are bad at that also, but we don’t mean it. It may take reaching out to us to reconnect. If you are the type that will get frustrated that you reach out more – we can only tell you not to do anything that will frustrate yourself, but we generally don’t want to or actively try to lose touch with you or anyone else. We just get sidetracked by life. Sometimes we’re up at 4 AM and all ready to connect, but that’s a bad time for others who are sound asleep. Sometimes we are buried in chores, or school, or work during the day when you are available and we’re meaning to call or text when we know we have the time – and then the time never really materializes and it’s 2 days later and we realize it got away from us.
“We are typically all about becoming involved in the thing the company provides as a product or service and how to make it better and more efficient. To a large degree we don’t believe that connecting with fellow employees about non related work information to be efficient or relevant.”
Let’s talk about coworkers. In general INTJ females are at work…to do work. We’re fairly literal about the process. To us, personal stuff is for people we know well, off the clock. This means we will generally gravitate towards work and work related (contributing to making progress in the field) events. We are typically all about becoming involved in what our company provides as a product or service and how to make it better and more efficient. To a large degree we don’t believe that connecting with fellow employees about non related work information is efficient nor relevant. For this reason, we will generally try to avoid team building exercises or games, meal gatherings, social events or even meetings about work if we feel there’s not a lot of *work* type progress being made as a result.
How to connect with us? Keep it all business. It sounds boring, but that’s the answer. Talk to us about the work we are both there to do and how to do it better, faster, or both. We will be open to and even seek someone out who’s doing this, so long as it’s genuine. Asking us about things you already know will be sussed out pretty quickly and asking us for help repeatedly about things we feel you should be gaining knowledge on will turn us off. Trying to make us participate on a personal level, or making us feel guilty for not joining won’t work, unless we feel it’s an obligation or a job risk – and if we do, we will begrudgingly oblige, but we won’t appreciate anyone who’s involved in yanking us from a project to take part in it going forward.
The thing is, if we appreciate your base personality and enjoy working with you, we may then decide after some time to make it personal. Yeah, it’s backwards. Most try to make the job better by enhancing employee relationships in the workplace. We tend to end up with personal relationships occasionally by getting to know each other thru work related concepts and activities. I happen to be personal friends with a few people I’ve worked with in my life because they got right down to business on the job, and eventually we personally connected and I discovered they were really good people.
We’re generally socially inept or stunted, and often preoccupied so throwing pleasantries in the hall when passing others isn’t something we remember to do or understand to be important to do the job. Ditto with office politics. To us the work and career trajectory should be solely judged on our performance, ethics, and desire to grow. We may not dip our information in a lot of glitter, so don’t be put off by a blunt statement or response, even in email. We promise it’s typically not personal. If it is, we’ll usually tell you directly, unless we feel that you won’t be able to take the criticism at all based on past experience.
In summary, those are some of the things that we seek out and respond to in a couple different areas of life. A person who’s looking to engage us in some sort of relationship would find it to be pretty easy to do should they remember to implement some of the information here. Are you an INTJ female that’s looking for a one stop blog entry to give to someone who would benefit from this information? Link this post and have them look at it. Are you someone who wants to connect with someone of our MBTI? Definitely bookmark this one for future use. Are you an INTJ female who can think of other things that those who aren’t us might need to know to connect with one of us? Please let us know in comments below.
Rare INTJ Females: We Welcome You! 