INTJ-Fs: Navigating Romance

Ahh…the underwhelming reaction that an INTJ-F gives off when she’s told the object of her affection is somewhat mutually intrigued with her (and yes, we tend to hear the word “intrigued” a lot in our travels).

Were you expecting more?

It’s not that she’s not thrilled to hear this, but she (of course) has to temper her reaction with thoughts like “is this for the best?” or “why am I so excited about this?” or “why am I hearing this?” before she officially gives her response.

My fellow unicorns and I discuss regularly how most of dating seems to us like learning a foreign language – complete with mannerisms and social cues that may suddenly set us back or throw us in another direction without warning.   Those of us who somehow ended up in functional relationships either met a personality type that matched us so well there wasn’t much work involved, or we met someone who just rode out the initial bumps in the road due to an intense desire to succeed and stay together, or we just shrug and admit we really have no idea how we ended up with someone that just worked out (followed by relief that we don’t have to be single and INTJ and navigate the process anymore).  A lot of us tend to find someone when we’re not looking, and so we’re not in a dating mindset.   Somehow this almost works better for a lot of us.

So much of the dating process goes against our wiring, which is why we get so frustrated and many of us just resign ourselves to single life.  The biggest and most challenging, of course, is it’s a feeling based thing, almost entirely – especially in the beginning.  And so we’re wading in unfamiliar waters from go.  Things like excitement that we’re around a person, or expressing desire to get to know someone, or following our feelings and not our brains or gut is just alien to us.   To top it off, when we try to express feelings knowing that it’s something we are going to have to give in and do in order to move forward – it really feels contrived and unnatural.

For some of us, expressing something or reaching out to another human being, at least before we know them really well – just does not occur to us.  It doesn’t mean we don’t like it or we’re consciously withholding it, we just…don’t think of it.   Let me be clear, we actually DO have feelings; the problem comes with expressing them correctly.  Some can just vomit their feelings and don’t care if they are messy.  Like most things we do, we don’t want to go public until we make sense of it and can do it right – call it perfectionism – we are trying to avoid a mess.

Speaking of knowing people really well, there has to be something said for INTJs and our need to really know someone a while to build a bond before we become more feeling based, and not only becoming openly affectionate but actually seeking it.  Most of the time, we are dealing with what we call “feelers” – those people who live most of their lives through their feelings rather than with their minds.  Feelers will generally write us off as uninterested because their time frame for what they want to see from us is just not a match for ours and they become impatient.

I can’t count how many times we INTJs discuss with each other or ourselves the relationship that we would have built, had someone we were dating waited it out longer.  If we are genuinely interested and can bond with a person given the time, we become a very loyal, affectionate, protective, nurturing companion and lover.

While we may be temporarily bummed out someone didn’t give us enough time, we’re at peace being loners, so we almost always feel that being with someone we don’t match is far worse than traveling light.  We’re not wired to see single life as unbearable.   It’s for this reason that most of us won’t be swayed into compromising what we want by anyone trying to appeal to our sense of loneliness.  We don’t really get much of that, and will usually view someone who doesn’t pan out to be more of a dodged bullet.  Instead of being upset we invested the time, we’re happy we found out when we did and didn’t waste more time.  But of course we form attachments and can still become discouraged when someone we like doesn’t pan out for us.

Overall most of us are at peace with our own space, so early on we do tend to worry about losing it – we simply don’t want to ever give it up entirely.  While other women out there are so happy they finally found that someone to do everything with, we’re instead worrying that we will have to at some point carve out our necessary free time.   I know when I meet a guy I have interest in, and find out he’s a workaholic, has visitation with his kids after a divorce, works opposite hours, or has some sort of hobby that takes up a lot of time it’s almost a relief.   I have more things I need to fit into my schedule than I have free time to pout over a guy not giving me enough attention.  I’d much rather not have to fight for space/downtime or have the discussion with someone who will almost certainly take it as personal to them that I want space rather than realize it’s just something I need to remain balanced.

We’re also usually non traditional, which means the usual courting process won’t work on us and in some cases, will actually cause a problem.  We’re extremely independent and not very spontaneous at all, at least not with someone who doesn’t know us well.  Yes, “spontaneous”- another buzzword for dating that everyone aspires to be or claims to be or seeks out, and is generally not us.  But I digress.

A person who shows up at our house unannounced or calls us and tells us to be outside in 15 minutes and plans to pick us up and take us (gulp) somewhere to do (gulp) something with no warning or information will not only NOT be romantic, but also probably throw us into a large anxiety – or even panic – attack.  I prefer what I call “planned spontaneity”; that means we have plans on a certain day for a certain block of time.  From there I don’t care what we do – but overall I have to know what’s happening in my schedule.   For the typical INTJ-F not being traditionally romantic or spontaneous means surprise gifts, parties, or events (unless you know us EXTREMELY well) are a big no-no.  Sorry.

Many of us like to be around an SO but aren’t necessarily highly affectionate or can even be touch averse – at least with someone we’re not that close to yet.  This means early dating for overly affectionate, romantic, touchy feely type people will be frustrating.  And sometimes the conversation about levels of affection have to be addressed to be sure that you don’t spend years with someone who we feel is needy and they feel is cold.  Several of us aspire to be with someone we can be with in the same room doing their own thing quietly.   Having to entertain someone when they are around is exhausting – and we don’t require it, so it’s a really big deal when solitude within the relationship is possible.

Let’s discuss absolute statements for a second.  So many people project from their upbringing and experience and then gauge all others based on what they want and what they were taught.  So many times if you don’t want what they want, or not the way they do, they will tell you that you are abnormal for this.   Stemming back to early childhood, most INTJs are subjected to this by their families.  We’re used to being told that something is wrong with us for not doing things like everyone else in the family, or like our friends, or like our coworkers.  Saying “everyone wants kids” or “everyone wants to get married” or “no one wants to be alone” is projection, and it’s a form of self validation.  If everyone in the world is against being alone, then it makes it easier for you to feel your search to find someone else is valid and temporary as all others want the same.   Knowing some are actually fine with being alone both makes you question yourself for hating it and causes you to fear that your search will be tougher.   Being determined to make everyone else like you or wrong/unhealthy in theory makes you sleep better.

Anyhow, my point is that not everyone is affectionate, and those that aren’t are usually perfectly fine with it to the dismay of many people.  I’m sure some would like to be better at it but need to do the work, but many also have no desire to be.  Also, not everyone is non-affectionate and those that are dismay people but a lot less as affection is more of a common thing and more highly accepted, therefore by majority it’s easier to believe that it’s the “normal” way to be.  Same with people wanting to get married or have kids or work typical jobs or whatever else society deems as average or regular.  I’m just saying there’s no right or wrong way to do most things.  Just levels and differences.

Also…and I’ve gotten some camaraderie on this, most of us seem to go through this dynamic: we explain who we are going in so there’s no confusion, the person we’re getting to know early on expresses relief that we’re not like everyone else they’ve dated.  For maybe a month or less.  Then they become frustrated when we don’t turn into everyone else they dated.  Example: we say we’re not big on calling all the time or complaining about being called.  They say “that’s perfect – I really don’t like being called constantly and complaints about how I don’t call often enough”.  Then soon enough you’re getting comments like “you never call, it’s like you’re not interested”.  Cue head scratching, because you did explain that exact thing in the beginning to avoid this very conversation.    There is a time that no matter what we say, they develop an expectation from us that we don’t meet – of course.

Many of us are also averse to too many compliments, or to shallow or superficial compliments.  Only a person who compliments us on something we had some control over when they stand to gain nothing will get our attention.  For instance, we do seek out feedback from teachers or coaches as long as we respect them and can apply the information usefully.  Positive feedback if warranted is like a compliment we appreciate.  I have found that most people who give compliments are at a loss for anything but a thank you – if you ask why or agree or anything else, it puts them off.  So in the dating arena, this will cause some friction.  In my case at first the person assumes I think I don’t deserve the compliment, and will then try to reinforce it which just bugs me more.  But once they know me well, they realize it’s not for lack of self esteem or anything, I just don’t prefer getting them.

Then there’s what I’ve heard called the Hero Syndrome, at least with men (same sex relationships may be very different).  Men who hope to be needed simply because they are men.  We are a challenge for these fellows, for sure.   We tend to plow through our lives doing what we need to do as things come up.  We aren’t used to either asking for help or telling someone what we’re up to.  Those in our lives can feel like an afterthought if this is something they need as an element to stay engaged in a relationship.  Of course we need to examine this and adjust accordingly, but many times we assume everyone is like this and we don’t really pay it much mind.  When asked if we need them, our answer is yes – we need their love and support and team mate quality, but their definition may be more in the direction of “isn’t there anything I can do for you?” At some point this will come to a point of contention if it’s something they feel they need to have, and yes Ms. INTJ, you’ll be having this conversation.

Handing them a pickle jar to open might be a bit condescending, but something along these lines might help us and make them feel better (perhaps we can attribute this to our appeal to efficiency).   Individual cases may vary.  We are so ready to prove to everyone (not just our SO) that we can do everything for ourselves, that this is probably unavoidable.

We’re not great at ego stroking either, for SOs, because we don’t really require it.  This doesn’t mean we don’t care if someone wants it because we don’t, but it does mean it’s just not a top of mind factor in our daily thoughts.  As much as it sucks for them to fish for it, and as much as we hate people who fish for compliments – it may be the only way we stop and realize we’re not doing this.

Also, since we tend to remain single longer unless/until we find someone who we really want to date, we therefore have a more ingrained independence than most.    One result of that is we work hard to make our lives peaceful, so when we detect any deviation from that we tend to want to run.  Therefore, a new guy that presents any sort of red flag to us we tend to want to skip for fear that we will have to give up that serenity we worked hard to create.  Staying single isn’t a bad thing to us, so the guy we’re skipping has to be pretty special for us to first become interested in him, and then if things seem to not be going well he’s got to be someone we like more than our solitude.   This presents a sort of problem in that we go really long periods of time solo, and we might even pass up someone that was good for us if we mistake the drama as something too complicated to get involved in.

Looks like this topic has so many facets that it may need to have a Part 2.  Maybe we can touch on how private we are and how long it takes us to open up and share ourselves.

If you are an INTJ-F, how has dating been for you?  If involved what’s your story?

If you have dated or are dating or married to an INTJ-F, what are some of your challenges and/or strong points?