I’m writing this during the time of the worldwide 2020 COVID19 Pandemic. In my area we’re in about the 4th week of the spike. I want to make that clear as once we’re beyond this the mindset or context of this piece may not make as much sense. I’ll make sure the image I add reflects this as well.
During this pandemic, with the “social distancing” (there’s a phrase we’re getting really sick of hearing lately) we’ve been asked to participate in, I’ve noticed two obvious camps in my time on social media and in conversations (mostly virtual), and then, two sub camps.
Introverts are either not phased by this too much, or are almost happier with this as they will no longer be harassed to socialize to be considered normal. If lucky, they have been granted access to do everything at home including work, and/or they are able to keep themselves busy without needing others present. Some are struggling with the source of the reclusive setup, as they didn’t choose it, and some feel this is more introvert behavior than they are used to. Those who still have to drive into an office daily of course are understandably not thrilled about it; it’s risky to their health and anyone they come home to.
The sub camp in this Introvert world is, of course those who live with others who are not as introverted, or who don’t have any idea how to entertain themselves. They are finding THAT to be their challenge.
Extroverts are hugely affected by this and are visibly and audibly miserable not being able to be around people at all, or are struggling because their normal is constant interaction with others, including their workplace, their weekend errands, their clergy, family and friends – all of which have been temporarily removed (in person) from their daily lives. These people are not used to keeping busy or occupied without others involved. But those who are quarantined with family or roommates or others are having a bit of an easier time.
The sub camp on this are Extroverts who live alone and did just about everything outside their homes are now dealing horribly with this isolation, and they are making it really clear they are not pleased with this. I was seriously unaware of how many people who live alone and suffer from extroversion line up several things daily with others to prevent having idle time. Some appear to have spent only sleeping/shower/car time alone and filled up everything else.
All this said, I also see two completely different camps of people on what is, and the personal idealism of what people want. I cannot speak for all INTJs or all introverts in general, of course but I can tell you this: I have a good grasp on what I want, how I feel about things, and what realistically I need to do. I am also very clear about what I can control and what I can’t, and how to react.
This puts me at an almost eerily calm rationality when major events happen, where I may be nervous, or uncertain, or even a bit fearful – but I see that as completely separate and apart from what I need to do or accomplish in the wake of what just went down.
The first time I discovered this was when I locked my keys in my car while it was running in my early 20s. Sure it was dumb, sure it was frustrating and inconvenient, sure I didn’t like that it happened, but all of that had nothing to do with the fact that I needed to focus and solve the problem. Then, time and time again I realized that I was a lot more calm and focused during major situations than I was told I should be.
At some point I heard the phrase “It Is What It Is”, and for me, it clicked. It clicked in the sense that what is happening is happening regardless of how I feel about it, or I feel things should be happening, or I feel others should be handling something. It just is what it is. Perception and reaction aren’t really going to matter. I can explain it like this. You can put a blue cup on the table. It’s basically just a blue cup. You may want it to be red. But it’s still blue. You may want it to be elsewhere, but it’s here. It may be yours, or it may belong to someone else, but it doesn’t change what it is. You may want it to hold water, or vodka, or thumb tacks, but regardless, it’s a blue cup. Maybe it’s plastic but you want it to be glass, but it’s still a blue cup. That’s it. This is my take on the phrase. Our wishes, feelings, second guessing or whatever else we want to project on this quite frankly, doesn’t really change what it is, or what we need to do with it.
When it comes to this pandemic, the name of it, how it originated, how it’s being handled, how we feel about all of it, or what they are asking us to do, or what we’d rather be doing, or what we miss or how anxious or afraid or annoyed or angry we are does not change the fact of what is happening and what we need to do.
Add to this that to express frustration or fear or anger or sadness about something I can’t control (at least for me) makes me feel worse and does nothing at all to change the state of what is happening, or what needs to be done. My mom died. Sure, I was sad, sure it was horrific and turned my world upside down – but my feelings didn’t change what was actually happening.
That said, extroverts around me are daily posting that they miss their families, and they are sick of the quarantine, and they want to be around people and they don’t like alternate ways of socializing or keeping in touch with people or shopping or working or any of this situation – but it won’t change anything. Maybe it makes them feel better, and I’ll give them that. In my case, complaining about things I don’t like or can’t control only makes me feel worse – so I don’t do it.
Quoted from a group member: “I think the phrase ‘it is what it is’ is an attempt to exercise radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is a cognitive behavioral psychology coping technique that helps one to refocus their thoughts on what is versus what they think it should be. Often times, it can be overwhelming and frustrating if one gets hyper-focused on how things could be/should be better, which can lead to feelings of distress, anxiety, and depression. Accepting things as they are without judgment and deciding what to do with things as they are is often more productive and less distressing. However, I do not like it when people use the phrase to mean that improvement cannot or should not be made and everyone should be happy with the status quo. It’s a fine line to walk between accepting things as they are and seeking improvement, but it can and must be done.“
More quotes will be added as they are submitted.
What’s your take on this phrase, and how do you apply it?
Rare INTJ Females: We Welcome You! 
Thank you for posting this. I read this and a light bulb went off. I react this way in every crisis or emergency situation I have ever been in.
I have been called cold and callus because of my calm and seemingly unemotional responses.
The one that comes to mind immediately lead to a lot of tension between my mother and I when I was 35.
I had just had my one and only daughter 9 weeks premature. Thank goodness she was healthy , just small and needed to learn how to breathe , eat and maintain her oxygen levels. My mother is a nurse and felt I was not showing enough emotion, fear or anger ( not sure what she expected- she has known me since birth) so she asked a social worker at hospital to come talk to me about my repressed feelings! I stated that things were fine “it is what it is and we will go from there”.
I have never been able to understand how getting angry, freaked out or any other emotion has ever made a problem/emergency better. It’s just too distracting, a very INTJ thing.
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